long time no see

I started this in the beginning to help me with getting through the deployment. I think my last post was in August because at that point, we started school and going through a routine every day. There were good days and bad days for sure, but mostly we were doing fine. Also, in October, my dad had some medical problems and was in the hospital for 6 wks so that kept us focused on him instead of the loneliness. Then in December, Dee came home for 15 days R&R. It was a mess getting him home with several days in Germany, stuck because the plane there were to board home had a fuel leak. Praise God they found it on the ground, BEFORE it took off. So this delayed his arrival several times. But he finally landed on the ground around midnight Dec 5th officially. His leave started on the 6th and he left on the 21st. I think if it wasn't for the soldiers needing a break, a change of scenerio...I'd almost say it's not worth it. This goodbye was 10 times worse than the original one. I was a mess in the airport and on the tram back to baggage area. I cried for several days, but especially on Christmas Eve. Found out Dee had a chance to change his dates so he could be home for Christmas, but he was afraid to do so, because when you make changes in the Army, it can really mess things up. So it was hard to swallow...that he could have been home. Then Christmas Day, I decided to pull up my bootstraps and put on my Single Mom hat again and move forward. And that's what I did. I got back in to a routine. Dee arrived back on base the afternoon of Dec. 25th, in time to hang up his Christmas lights in his Hooch. New Years Eve came and went without much hoopla.

Not long after Dee got on base, he found out he would be moving to a different office on the base. Part of his job included leaving the base twice a week, in a convoy. This really disturbed me and still does. I have really struggled with this. I have a hard time sleeping on the nights I know he is off base.(His daytime is our nighttime) So I try to pray and find peace about it. But I still seem to be uneasy and unable to rest until I heard back from him, that he is safe and sound. This weekend, I finally said, after having so many physical symptoms of stress, "I have got to find peace and stop worrying. I know he is surrounded in prayer and angels are protecting him!" So I made up my mind to let it go. So the first time was last night....I went to bed without worrying. I wake up this morning and find out that a suicide bomber targeted a convoy in front of the base, waiting to reenter. Are you kidding me? How do I find peace? That could have been my husband. God did protect him and he is fine...but I feel like the rug has been ripped out from under me again. I broke down and just cried today.

Some of you may say, "Well, they signed up for this....they knew this was coming." Well, yes, we did sign up for the National Guard. But we even talked about it and thought this war would be over before three years rolled around and he would have to be deployed. And even if we knew up front war was in the equation, the worry is still there. We are still a family without a husband/father. Those on active duty that KNOW Without a doubt they will be deployed, worry as well. Yes, my husband chose to join something bigger than us...something to give back to his country....but please be patient with me when I have a bad day.

The soldiers are all struggling as well. Time is getting short and you would think that would make things better, but it doesn't. The weather is cold, it gets dark very early so many don't see much daylight. They are starting to wind down and get ready to come home. So they are sitting and waiting on the days to go by....and the days are crawling by much slower than before. There is a lot of depression going on there. They even had a suicide awareness class this week. So I am praying for all of them. Dee had a few days he was down this weekend but seems better.

On a good note, Dee and I have been praying that God would use us individually and that has really happened. We have found God using us in many counseling situations seperately. This has given us some direction for when he comes home. God has really blessed our marriage and we feel God is going to use this in some way when he gets back. Maybe help counsel other couples, or teach a marriage class? Who knows....but I do know we are both willing to serve how ever the Lord sees fit. I am blessed to have my soulmate that understands me and helps to carry me through on those days like today. He is such a blessing and I thank God for him every day!

We are down to less than 80 days....(worst case scenario) and counting down!